My Mom’s Confusing Kitchen
I grew up in a house where the refrigerator was a constant game of Jenga and the only person who could find anything was my mom.
Despite the grocery store being a mere five minutes away, her mentality is more akin to a frugal but hungry bear about to hibernate without access to food for three months. And the rest of the kitchen isn’t much better; her philosophy of “save everything” extends beyond food and into the cabinets, drawers, and countertops.
Like many people, my mindset as an adult is the opposite of my mom’s—minimalist with a repulsion toward expired food and extraneous kitchen items. Here are some of the things in her kitchen I’ve found the most baffling.
Fifteen dull kitchen knives
When you first take a peek at the knife drawer, you might think, “So many choices!” But upon attempting to cut anything harder than a banana, you will soon realize this knife drawer is a historical retrospection of my mom’s relatives rather than a pathway to dinner prep. This includes a knife with a dagger-like hook on the end that no one has figured out a use for.
Takeaway: Sharp knives are much safer than dull ones. A chef’s knife can handle most of your cutting needs, but a paring knife and serrated bread knife are helpful additions.
Spices from 1975
There is some leeway depending on the spice, but for most ground versions, the shelf life ends at four years. To my mom, however, an expiration date is like a badge of honor—proof of her commitment to saving that jar of caraway seeds she hasn’t used in forty years but might need someday if she decides to take up baking rye bread.
Takeaway: Ground spices will not have the same intensity of flavor if kept for too long.
Tiny condiment collections
Miniature sour cream pyramids from chicken barbecues my dad frequents, soy sauce packets from Chinese restaurants, and jelly squares from the local diner—this plastic menagerie creates a tiny art installation under the plastic dome of the butter compartment. Good luck removing anything without the entire mountain cascading onto the floor.
Takeaway: Such a collection is harmless but potentially annoying if you like a tidy fridge and drawers.
A temperamental electric mixer
If this mixer from the 1970s could speak, it would tell my mom it’s ready to live out the rest of its days in an appliance sanctuary, unplugged. But, alas, this poor vintage Sunbeam is still forced to stir boxed cake mix. The trick is to insert the beaters in the correct order, like a puzzle ring, and then use your hand to coax the geriatric mixer to spin the bowl around.
Takeaway: If you like to bake, upgrade to a KitchenAid or equivalent stand mixer. An old mixer that has lost functionality will mostly cause frustration.
A disgraced electric fry pan
When I was young, my brother and I attempted to make pancakes in this fry pan, not realizing that the temperature dial had come unglued and rotated so what read “350˚F” was actually “simmer.” We grew more and more perplexed as the pools of batter slowly congealed instead of cooking. At some point, my mom formed an emotional attachment to this standalone fry pan, so when the nonstick coating began peeling off around the forty-year mark, her solution was to scrape it within an inch of its life until it was just bare metal and utility.
Takeaway: It’s technically safe to remove the coating completely if you use the right method. (Never attempt to burn it off.) Watch out for rust, though.
Whether your kitchen is a tiny nook in a studio apartment or a spacious hub with a sprawling island, keeping it organized and stocked with the right tools will make it easy and enjoyable to use. And when negotiating with other family members, accept that people are sentimental creatures and do your best to gently encourage helpful changes.